♦ I
read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to
cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
♦ Today a man knocked on my door and
asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I
gave him a glass of water.
♦ I
find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom,
until they are flashing behind you.
♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90%
of their body . . . men are so polite they only look at the covered
parts.
♦ A
recent study has found that woman who carry a little extra weight live
longer than the men who mention it.
♦ Relationships are a lot like
algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ America is a country which produces
citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't
cross the street to vote.
♦ You
know that tingly little feeling you get when you like
someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart
that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on
the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
♦ My therapist says I have a
preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as
she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through
my telescope last night.
♦ Money
talks . . . but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ You're
not fat, you're just . . . easier to see.
♦ If you think nobody cares whether
you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
♦ I always wondered what the job
application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say,
“Here, fill this out?”
♦ I
can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s
clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism
causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting
on me.
♦ My 60
year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the
175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your
birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your
birthday, your life sucks!
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date
again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far
away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like
a mental patient.
♦ I
think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out
of tattoos.
♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps
the kids in touch!
GOD BLESS AMERICA